Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
