i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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