I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
