Cold hands, warm shart.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
