FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
