I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
