I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
