I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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