Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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