This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
