You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
