ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
