Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
