I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
