Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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