she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
