You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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