Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
did you just send me my own nude
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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