i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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