I'm going to jail i love you
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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