he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
