Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize