she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
