My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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