Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
