If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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