So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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