I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
