Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
