I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
