I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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