I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
