just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
