I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize