She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
