Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
