Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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