5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
