I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
