we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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