New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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