When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
