When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
