you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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