No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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