R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
