Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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