I'm going to jail i love you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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