Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
