she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize