3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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