I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
