Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
