Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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