i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
