i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
