This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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