Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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